I think most Americans would agree that the term narcissism has been firmly integrated into our vernacular. Although the term is often misused and can begin to take on different meanings.
A lot of grey area is inherent in the world of mental health. Thankfully, another idea that’s on the rise is that most disorders land on a spectrum; narcissism can be viewed as one of them.
As the term “narcissism" gains in popularity, it’s important to note that not all aspects of narcissism are unhealthy. In fact, there is a sweet spot on the narcissism spectrum, dubbed healthy narcissism (HN).
First, lets get clear on what “Un-healthy” Narcissism includes:
Lack of empathy
Need for admiration
Exaggerated sense of self-importance
Sense of entitlement
Takes advantage of others to achieve own ends
Displays arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Associates with others that raise self-importance
Fantasizes of having unlimited power, success, beauty, etc
As I mentioned in the previous post on how Narcissistic Personality Disorder develops, the unhealthy manifestation of narcissism represents someone that lives with an unstable sense of self. They are sensitive to criticisms and failures, as those are threatening to their agenda of confirming their greatness.
They are empty, misguided people that have a difficult time building connected, healthy relationships with others. They are more interested in using people as a means to an end, to boost their ego.
The disorder is expressed in people that land on the extreme end of narcissism.
The Sweet Spot of Narcissism
As the unhealthy narcissist lives in the balance of the world filling their sense of self, someone with healthy narcissism is more stable in who they are internally, a realistic and balanced love of ones self.
This allows them to react to life’s challenges much differently. They are able to absorb criticism, rejection, or failed ventures much easier. They are able to take care of themselves and bounce back with the belief that external events don’t compromise their value.
This doesn’t mean someone with HN doesn’t have the capacity to self-correct or reflect; they can still achieve this in stride with confidence that they will be able to redirect and continue through life successfully.
They still enjoy social approval, but their positive relationship with their authentic self allows the necessary buffer to not have to devalue those around them.
People need to strive to be at least a little narcissistic. Within a reasonable degree narcissism is actually an essential supportive personality trait for mental health.
On the lower end of the spectrum, the person with very little narcissism tends to lack confidence and self-esteem, an uneasiness in their ability to meet life’s challenges. They are less likely to see themselves and the world through "rose-colored glasses”. They are also more likely to be in a relationship with a narcissist, as they complement each other’s narcissistic defaults.
Increasing Your Healthy Narcissism
If you suspect that you’d benefit from increasing your HN, it’s never too late. Here are some ideas on what you can start integrating to boost it.
Get to know your authentic self, and foster an identity based on your personal strengths and weaknesses, not based on what others want you to be.
Becoming aware of your internal dialogue could shed light on critical and judgmental thoughts that inhibit a HN. Start to detach from these thoughts and practice replacing them with less harsh evaluations.
Start generating gratitude towards the self; find small things you love about you, and remind yourself daily of these attributes. Increasing your self-compassion is an essential step.
Work on your Emotional Intelligence, and begin allowing yourself to experience an expansive emotional self along with the ability to manage them effectively.
Educate yourself on why you may not have developed a HN (perhaps with the help of a therapist). This exploration can release self-blame and help move towards healing the past.
Reflect and be mindful of your current relationships. Notice how your security/insecurity of self effects how you assert your needs. The goal is to have a mutual give and take that leads to satisfying, intimate relationships with others.
Surround yourself with people that love and support you for who you are, and set healthy boundaries with those that don’t.
Start valuing and acting upon some HN attributes. Some of these include decisiveness, pride, self-reliance, optimism, and confidently striving towards personal goals.
Give yourself permission to not be perfect.
There is a healthy balance in the spectrum of narcissism; and there is utility to be found by working to develop it (whether you’re coming from either side of the spectrum). It’s a quality that is increasingly in demand, especially in a culture that continues to be more competitive; breeding many failures, judgments, and rejections. Being armed with a healthy narcissism more than ever is an essential quality for mental and emotional health.
Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles while creating flourishing, fulfilling lives. Contact him at adam@parkbenchtherapy.com to inquire about services, or visit his website parkbenchtherapy.com for more information.
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